Bittersweet

My last post was a little sad and this one feels like it could be sad too. I go back to work on Friday and I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to feel that day. I'm eager to go back to work because I like being in the shuffle. I like the energy downtown and knowing what's going on in the financial and adult world. I'm also ready to start making money again. However, I am very sad to be leaving my baby. I know Meredith will be great with her at her daycare, but in a mother's mind, no one can care for her baby as well as she can. I feel like I've just gotten to know Katie Rose, to know her cries and daily routine. I know when she's hungry and when she just wants her pacifier. I know when she's just tired and cranky and I love that I know these things! Finally! And now it's time to leave her. Will I still know her even when I am not with her all day? Will she still know me?
Shelly titled this photo "Mischief Managed."

Now that going back to work is staring me in the face I find myself lingering in those special moments with her that I won't get to have 7 days a week. This morning she woke up at 5 for a bottle which she didn't end up wanting. Instead she was content to have her pacifier and clutch my hand tightly to her chest. My shoulder was sore for the awkward angle, but I didn't dare let go. She finally got anxious which I knew only meant one thing: a big stinky diaper. Our moment ended, but in this blog I hold it forever. Katie Rose smiles so much more now too. My heart wants to explode with joy when she flashes a big gummy smile across her face and in her eyes with a squeaky gulp of air.

I think the separation might be hard on her too. Following the "To Pump or Not to Pump" post, the answer is not to pump. I have been supplementing the breastfeeding with formula since she was 4 weeks old. I've gradually added more formula to her diet mainly because I enjoyed the convenience once or twice a day and I felt I was not producing enough milk. (I have one breast that is an underachiever). I was breastfeeding her once a day when she would have inconsolable fits, but that has to stop as well. She does not transition well between breast and bottle. Last week I breastfeed her and knowing she didn't get enough, I offered her a bottle. She adamantly and fiercely refused. Being hungry and not wanting the bottle resulted in an enormous battle no one could win. Both of us were in tears. It broke my heart that I could not give her the one thing she wanted. She mourned her loss. I mourned my loss as well.

The whole situation reminded me of our old dog Murphy when her 6 puppies were weaned. I remember Murphy running away from them as they chased her through the yard trying to latch on. We knew she was saying like my grandmother Nan used to say, "I'm sick of this shit." And the puppies would cry too. I did not quit breastfeeding because I was sick of it, but when we stick to formula, she is a happier baby and I am a happier mommy. That has health benefits too.

That's me circa 1992 wearing my favorite SMU t-shirt Ross got me. This was also long before I knew anything about hair straighteners.

She's not a baby that likes to be held all the time which is good although I've noticed in the last week that she's liking it more and more. She either decided that she likes being held or she's now aware of the cry/response mechanism. If the latter is true, which it inevitably will be, when do I set boundaries? And speaking of boundaries, the hand-holding time we spent this morning comes from her morning routine of sleeping in the bed with me from about 4 am until I get up. I am not setting that boundary yet. No way.

Just Some Thoughts This Evening...

It sounds strange to say this, but I kind of miss being pregnant and in a weird way I look forward to being pregnant again. It's weird to say that because my last memory of being pregnant was terribly painful while I was in labor and before I was in labor I was swollen. I've been saying that I didn't have feet. I had hoagies with toes. The other day I caught myself feeling my belly when something rumbled and I almost wished it was a tiny kick from within. Maybe women miss being pregnant because it's exciting. You spend every minute day dreaming what your baby will be like. Will she look like me or her daddy? Will she be mild mannered - of course she will be! At least that's what I thought. What will labor be like? There are all kinds of feel good chemicals zooming around when you're in great anticipation of a monumental day. I don't feel like this is post partum blues exactly. I've been too busy with a high(ish)-needs baby to think about being depressed. I still don't have every question answered about what Katie Rose will be like, but I know about the pregnancy, labor, and delivery part and I still look forward to doing it again. I had a c-section so my body needs time to heal, but there's a part of me that looks forward to the day it is considered healed when we can think about baby number 2.

To Pump or Not to Pump

I start back to work on January 15th and I'm a little concerned about needing to express milk during the work day. I was thinking that I would start weaning her to avoid the hassle at work. I'm not excited to go back to work full time and it might be less difficult if I don't have to worry about pumping. The bank is currently under construction and I'm not sure there's a peaceful place to do it. Also, I was told that if pumping took longer than 15 minutes (a 15 minute break the bank is NOT required to give me at all), I would have personal time deducted to account over any overages. Anyone who has done this before knows that it takes longer than 15 minutes to set up, let down, express, store, and clean up. I do not fear bending the rules, but one must know the rules to do that effectively. What I do fear is the anxiety it might cause me should there be issues. Anxiety and breastfeeding do not go together.

Out of curiosity while writing this post I just now researched the statutes put forth by state legislators for government employees.

http://www.ncsl.org/issuesresearch/health/breastfeedinglaws/tabid/14389/default.aspx , the National Conference of State Legislatures website. It appears the legislature agrees with me. That web page has the statues for each state if you're curious.

Here are the statutes for Montana:
Mont. Code Ann. § 39-2-215 et seq. specifies that employers must not discriminate against breastfeeding mothers and must encourage and accommodate breastfeeding. Requires employers to provide daily unpaid break time for a mother to express breast milk for her infant child. Employers are also required to make a reasonable effort to provide a private location, other than a toilet stall, in close proximity to the work place for this activity.

On a humorous note...
On New Year's Eve we invited some friends over to celebrate. Ben and Meredith, Keith, who was in The Foreigner, and his girlfriend Kelly, and Peter, also in The Foreigner, came over for food and games. I was telling them about my woes and how I was thinking it was time to wean her. My exact words were, "I need to wean her," but in southern speak it sounded like, "I needa weiner." Robbie immediately offered a solution. I now say, "I may start weaning her." Hmmm...Or not. We will see how this develops.

Thanksgiving Photos

How do I get this cheesy music to go away???????

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

With Thanksgiving...

This Thanksgiving was very special in that we have a new baby to be thankful for. Children are a gift from God. Nothing else on earth teaches you so much about unconditional love, strength, and tolerance. People ask me how things are going with a newborn and I always reply, "It's amazing what you can do when you have to do it." I am thankful for the time in my life to learn to bend without breaking, to love without thinking, to give without expecting. And never until I had Katie Rose did I think I would actually want to learn those things. I'm thankful for the bond I have with Robbie now and forever. I'm thankful for the gift of grandchildren to our parents and for how our family is growing in size and in love. I am thankful for her health and the health of her parents. I'm thankful for the hormonal tears that were shed at the mere thought of her being 27 days old...27 days old...It's the only day in her life that she'll be 27 days old...how glorious!! Silly, I know, but very real to me in the moment.

I am thankful for more than I ever thought I would be and I am thankful we celebrated with so many family members. We had my mom and dad, Robbie's mom and dad, Robbie's grandmother, Grandma Betty, and even Ross who flew in on the 21st. He was hoping to be here for the birth, but oh well. I enjoyed spending time with him. We don't spend much time together and I think there's alot we can learn about one another. He's a proud uncle. Ross was hoping to get some videos of Katie Rose but the camera wasn't working. He has some fun audio clips from KR's birthday from Mom and Sonya and Murphy Elliott. Sonya's is not suitable for the general public to hear.

We all enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving. At one point I told Mom I was glad we had a baby in the family. Dad, Arnold, and Robbie had all fallen asleep downstairs watching football. Vickie and Gma Betty were in the living room quietly knitting, and Mom and I were talking quietly in the kitchen. I told her this crowd was getting a little old (us included) and we needed some new life, energy, and noise among us. Katie Rose was also lounging on her Boppy on the coffee table, but I bet next year when she's 1 it will be a different story. I can't wait to chase her around, or rather ask Robbie to chase her around while I sip on spiked hot chocolate.

Robbie and I were in charge of the turkey. The HUGE turkey. We ordered an 18 lb bird from the Hutterites, but Ross got so excited about the turkey that he suggested we order an even bigger bird. 23 lbs we ended up with and I think eventually it all got eaten, but it was the running joke of the weekend. Dad called wondering if the black smoke cloud he could see over Belgrade was our turkey baking. He ate his words when he proclaimed it to be the most tender he had ever eaten. Muah!

The whole weekend was wonderful. The weather was good and it got us all in good spirits for the holiday season.

I also want to include a note to John Howell. His memorial was on Thanksgiving Day last year. We miss you John.

Are We Living Happily Ever After Yet?

When does happily ever after start? Don't get me wrong. I love my baby more than anything in the world and I have fallen in love with my husband allover again, but whew! this is hard. Everyone has a baby, or a marriage, or a friendship with the grandiose idea that everything is going to be perfect and beautiful without any hitches that can't be surmounted with love and respect. Have you ever tried asking for a 1 month old's respect in the middle of the night? I've tried. I try every night, in fact, and it DOES NOT WORK.

I'm afraid our little girl has colic or reflux or something that strikes each and every night and sometimes during the day. It mostly happens after she eats which is why I wonder if it's reflux. She is also much happier sitting up or over my shoulder than she is lying down which is another indication of reflux. But what about this perfect breast milk I'm making?? I thought it was the perfect infant food. I thought it was easily digestible and a natural antacid. These thoughts validated what I thought would be the perfect mother-baby bond, but no. I might be mistaken about that. I would never shake my baby, but I can understand how someone with little impulse control could. 2 am with a crying baby is one of the most emotionally exhausting things I have experienced.

But here is the silver lining: The miracle of motherhood is that you still love them even though they cry LOUDLY right into your ear and then headbutt you right in the jaw. It's injury to insult, salt on the wound. The other miracle is that as soon as you have a little bit of rest, you wake up feeling relatively refreshed and all the frustration from the night before is gone. I wake up to her cry, scoop her into my arms and squeeze her for the precious bundle she is while kissing her dumpling cheeks. Let's hope this unconditional love continues into adolescence.

Robbie is a big help with her. I try not to bother him in the middle of the night during his work week. He wears earplugs at night now. But when he doesn't have to work, I do ask for his help and he kindly lets me yell at him from time to time. The other morning at 4 am I told him to take her out of the room and only bring her back once she's asleep. He did and she slept for 3 hours. Ahhhhhh. Knowing Katie Rose is finally asleep releases some of the best feel-good chemicals. It's better than any martini.

Katie Rose

KATIE ROSE VERNON

8 LBS 6.8 OZ

20 1/2 INCHES LONG

6:13 PM

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2009

My last post was October 23rd. That seems like so long ago and that so much has changed since then I hardly know where to begin. So I left off announcing Erin and Ashley's new babies and the fact that I was starting maternity leave 2 weeks early due to gestational hypertension...

Halloween weekend came and we went to Ben and Meredith's house for the evening. Ben's sister, her husband, and their 2 kids were there as well. Kids are walking petri dishes of germs and Meredith, Kelly, baby Emma and I all ended up with stomach flu Monday and Tuesday after Halloween. Note to parents: If you even SUSPECT your child may be sick, please let people around you know - ESPECIALLY pregnant people. Stomach flu is never fun, but at 38 weeks pregnant it's REALLY horrible.

I had a regular doctor appointment on Tuesday that I thought about cancelling due to the flu, but I figured because I had the flu I should go and I was right to do so. My blood pressure was extremely high and the doctor sent me immediately to labor and delivery. She wanted me to be prepared to be induced that night if they couldn't get my blood pressure to come back down. 3 hours I spent in L/D before my blood pressure resumed it's normal high state. They let me go home but scheduled me to come back Wednesday night to begin the induction process.

Robbie took the day off Wednesday and we spent the day doing little things around the house knowing that when we came back we would have our baby. We also layed in bed together and watched t.v. cherishing these last few hours of it being just us. We thought about what we wanted for our last meal and came up with nothing so we decided we would eat at the hospital cafeteria which is actually pretty good! Plus, I didn't feel much like eating anyway having had flu the day before.

We headed to the hospital around 4:30 because they told us to be in L/D by 6. I had a feeling before we left that I would see my doctor in the cafeteria and she would be mad that I was out doing something...sure enough we did see her, but she said it was ok since I was at the hospital. Dr. Augustyn and Dr. Chisdak tease me because when my blood pressure was so high I got paranoid about it and went to the grocery store to check it. When I called the doctor on call that night to report that even the grocery store monitor said it was high she asked me, "What are you doing at the grocery store?? You need to be lying down!" That incident later came up in the operating room.

The L/D rooms at Bozeman Deaconess Hospital are amazing! They redid the entire unit a year ago and we were all so impressed with the facilities and amenities in each room. My room was huge and had a couch and recliner in it. The bathroom was large with a jacuzzi tub and I cannot say enough positive things for the nursing staff. Wow. They inserted a drug called Cervadil to help soften my completely undilated cervix. Robbie stayed right by my side but I told him to go home and get some sleep because I needed him to be strong for me on Thursday. All night long I was extremely uncomfortable. Those beds are not meant to be used for very long. I slept as much as I could but it's hard with people checking on you every 15 minutes and having a blood pressure cuff squeeze your arm every 20 minutes and having monitors strapped around your belly.

Finally around 5 am I woke up having some pains that felt like real contractions. I timed them for 10 minutes and when they were happening every 3 I called the nurse in. As soon as she went to check me I knew my water had broken. That's a very uncomfortable event because every time I contracted, it "broke" a little more. I was a mess. I told the nurse I wanted the anesthesiologist to get there ASAP because I immediately started having contractions. I'm leaning on the wall, sitting on the toilet, leaning over the bed - anything I could do tolerate what was going on. After an hour and a half the anesth. showed up and I got my epidural. Ahhh, sweet relief. I felt great...for a while. Robbie and my parents arrived and all seemed calm in the world. I could still feel the contractions but it was so minimal compared to what it was that I thought, heck, if childbirth is like this, I could handle it.

I don't know why I'm making this face - probably because I didn't want my picture taken. This must have been before things got intense.

Sometimes though things don't go as planned. I was following a normal curve of dilating 1 cm an hour. When I got to 3 cm, I started feeling the contractions more severely and I could tell that feeling was returning to my lower half. The anesth. came back and gave me more drugs. That was fine for about a half hour. Then it came back, this time even worse. I endured that until the anesth. could get back to me to give me more drugs. This process kept going on and on getting worse each time the drugs wore off. For whatever reason the epidural was not working except when I got a big shot of it in my back. As the pain got worse, so did my blood pressure and as my blood pressure got higher so did Katie Rose's heart rate. The pain I was feeling in my left side was excruciating and I just cried and cried while the nurse and Robbie tried talking me (relaxation words) through each contraction. Robbie told me to think about Lima Peaks, and the Centennial Valley, and Ono Island and the beach.

I was dilated 8 cm when my blood pressure and KR's heart rate skyrocketed to the point that Dr. Augustyn said I was going to have a c-section. She said she wasn't sure why the baby's heart rate was so high, but she didn't like it and a decision had to be made. I responded OK, signed where I needed to which is really hard to do when you're in hard labor. As soon as they said I was having a c-section, darling Robbie got a nosebleed. Poor guy! They started prepping me for surgery and cleaning the room for the next patient. When we arrived Wednesday night there was no one else in L/D. By Thursday afternoon there were women overflowing into other units waiting for one of the 6 rooms. In 15 minutes I was prepped for surgery and got the spinal...ahh, relief! Robbie came in the OR and 15 minutes after that our baby was out and I could hear her scream. It was the sweetest sound I have ever heard. She wailed! They showed her to me and got her cleaned up. The first things the doctors said were, "Ohh, look, she has lots of hair! And 3 chins!" She scored an 8 on her APGAR test which I hear is a really good score. Robbie took her to the nursery while they stitched me up and vacuumed me out...a really odd sensation. They gave me a shot of Demerol and a pleasant calm came over me knowing my baby was out and we were all safe. When they pulled her out of me she was face up when she should have been face down. This could have been causing much more severe pain and back labor such that the epidural could not keep up without over medicating me. Dr. Augustyn said later that a c-section was probably inevitable due to her size and position and that the right decision was made.

I was taken to recovery where they have the best tasting ice chips I've ever had. I love Demerol. Robbie and Mom were able to come back there and tell me all about her. I had never felt so good in my life as I did right then. Robbie was my hero and I knew I had nothing to worry about.