Playoff Weekend Before Last

Weekend before last we went up to my parent's house for a weekend getaway with our friends Keith, Kelly, and Peter. Keith and Peter were also in the play, The Foreigner, with me last February. I can't believe it's been almost a year since The Foreigner - the event that changed my life forever. I still believe it was all the excitement and adrenaline from being cast in the play that took my mind off trying to get pregnant which then resulted in me getting pregnant. Funny how that works.

We watched the playoffs and enjoyed football fare, cold beer and cocktails, and ended the evening with Catch Phrase, interpretive dancing to 90's music - thank you, Keith - and hot tubbing. Katie Rose was spectacular through the evening with only a few fussy moments. Good thing we brought her bouncy seat and the exercise ball on which she LOVES to bounce. We don't go anywhere without those 2 things. The next morning we got up early as babies often do and had breakfast. After breakfast we hiked to the saloon to have mimosas. We watched more football on Sunday and got home just in time to watch Big Love.

Thank you Mom and Dad for letting us use the house. Thank you Ross Barrett for unlocking and warming up the house and hot tub for us. We are so lucky to have you!

First Trip to the Hospital

Don't be alarmed. Everything is ok. It was probably unnecessary for us to even go, but being new parents and seeing a doctor who is very, "thorough," we'll call it, we went all the way. Yesterday morning she slept in until 8 and when I sat her up she coughed and then threw up allover herself. The vomiting continued several more times so I decided to call the pediatrician's office which is open on Saturdays. I love that they are open on Saturdays. Are other pediatrician offices open on the weekends? The receptionist who answered said she didn't feel comfortable telling me not to bring her in and scheduled us in at noon.

Poor baby was definitely lethargic. Normally she cries with all her might when she's uncomfortable, but she just laid there almost limp and abnormally quiet. The doctor didn't feel she was too dehydrated but felt we should go to radiology at the hospital and have an abdominal xray done. Seriously? The doctor said she is the right age to have pyloric stenosis. I kind of knew about that from reading The Baby Book which has been an incredible resource of information for me. At night I browse the index and read up on any topics of interest. Pyloric stenosis is a condition in which the valve at the bottom of the stomach is too tight to let nutrients pass through. The result of p.s. is starvation for the infant and projectile vomiting. The cure is surgery. Yikes!

After lunch we went to the hospital and waited in the emergency room for radiology. The ER is an unnerving place. There was an old couple that was highly interested in Katie Rose. I was so afraid they were going to touch her because I was sure they had an out of control hand fungus. In another room was a young child with an oxygen mask over her face which she kept coughing into. RSV? Pneumonia? Flu? Finally they called us back. Robbie and I had to suit up in aprons to block out the radiation while they put KR on the table. They asked if I could be pregnant. I confess a part of me wants another one, like now, but after yesterday I think I can wait. It was terrible. Robbie and I had to hold her down while they shoved tubes down her throat to inject her stomach with this chalky barium stuff which ended up in her stomach and allover her face and hair. It was horrible watching her scream and try to cough out the tube. She was helpless. She trusts us not to hurt her, and I realized that babies are victims of every single thing that happens to them. All of this and the radiologist found nothing wrong. My baby went through all of that for nothing.

Here's a picture of our poor, sick darling. Sometimes it's more convenient to take a photo with my phone, so that's why it's a little dark.

When it was allover and KR calmed down they asked us, "So, this must be your first." The question irritated me. It was as if they assumed we were there because of our own paranoia and not because a doctor sent us there. I'm a concerned mother, of course, but had the doctor sent us home and told us to give her pedialyte and watch her, I would have been just as satisfied. Mom and I have been discussing lately doctors' approaches to medical care. There are those who will not offer tests unless they are requested. There are others who test too much. Yesterday was a day of too much, but had something been wrong and the doctor ignored it, I would have been even more upset. We trust doctors to care for us, but just like helpless babies, we can also become victims of whatever they prescribe.

Katie Rose was sleepy for the rest of the day but never threw up again or had any other obvious sickness. She loves grape pedialyte. And to end with a smile, or perhaps a look of disgust, the chalky barium stuff has also been expelled. My friend Erin said one time, "We remember the days when our conversation did not involve someone else's poop." I laughed and thought to myself that's gross and I doubt I will be one of those moms because poop never interested me in the first place. Well, hello?? Poop probably never interested anyone at any point until the poop in question was their baby's. When I changed her this afternoon I had to call Robbie in to look at it. Who would ever think poop would be so fascinating that it would be selfish not to share it? I probably would have kept the diaper out to show Robbie later if he wasn't home. In her diaper was an almost perfectly round ball the size of a big marble of what looked like dried caulk. It was so bizarre. I've never seen anything like it and I hope I never will again.

I can't get enough of her big bright eyes! Here's a recent well baby picture.

More Pictures from the Holidays

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Bittersweet

My last post was a little sad and this one feels like it could be sad too. I go back to work on Friday and I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to feel that day. I'm eager to go back to work because I like being in the shuffle. I like the energy downtown and knowing what's going on in the financial and adult world. I'm also ready to start making money again. However, I am very sad to be leaving my baby. I know Meredith will be great with her at her daycare, but in a mother's mind, no one can care for her baby as well as she can. I feel like I've just gotten to know Katie Rose, to know her cries and daily routine. I know when she's hungry and when she just wants her pacifier. I know when she's just tired and cranky and I love that I know these things! Finally! And now it's time to leave her. Will I still know her even when I am not with her all day? Will she still know me?
Shelly titled this photo "Mischief Managed."

Now that going back to work is staring me in the face I find myself lingering in those special moments with her that I won't get to have 7 days a week. This morning she woke up at 5 for a bottle which she didn't end up wanting. Instead she was content to have her pacifier and clutch my hand tightly to her chest. My shoulder was sore for the awkward angle, but I didn't dare let go. She finally got anxious which I knew only meant one thing: a big stinky diaper. Our moment ended, but in this blog I hold it forever. Katie Rose smiles so much more now too. My heart wants to explode with joy when she flashes a big gummy smile across her face and in her eyes with a squeaky gulp of air.

I think the separation might be hard on her too. Following the "To Pump or Not to Pump" post, the answer is not to pump. I have been supplementing the breastfeeding with formula since she was 4 weeks old. I've gradually added more formula to her diet mainly because I enjoyed the convenience once or twice a day and I felt I was not producing enough milk. (I have one breast that is an underachiever). I was breastfeeding her once a day when she would have inconsolable fits, but that has to stop as well. She does not transition well between breast and bottle. Last week I breastfeed her and knowing she didn't get enough, I offered her a bottle. She adamantly and fiercely refused. Being hungry and not wanting the bottle resulted in an enormous battle no one could win. Both of us were in tears. It broke my heart that I could not give her the one thing she wanted. She mourned her loss. I mourned my loss as well.

The whole situation reminded me of our old dog Murphy when her 6 puppies were weaned. I remember Murphy running away from them as they chased her through the yard trying to latch on. We knew she was saying like my grandmother Nan used to say, "I'm sick of this shit." And the puppies would cry too. I did not quit breastfeeding because I was sick of it, but when we stick to formula, she is a happier baby and I am a happier mommy. That has health benefits too.

That's me circa 1992 wearing my favorite SMU t-shirt Ross got me. This was also long before I knew anything about hair straighteners.

She's not a baby that likes to be held all the time which is good although I've noticed in the last week that she's liking it more and more. She either decided that she likes being held or she's now aware of the cry/response mechanism. If the latter is true, which it inevitably will be, when do I set boundaries? And speaking of boundaries, the hand-holding time we spent this morning comes from her morning routine of sleeping in the bed with me from about 4 am until I get up. I am not setting that boundary yet. No way.

Just Some Thoughts This Evening...

It sounds strange to say this, but I kind of miss being pregnant and in a weird way I look forward to being pregnant again. It's weird to say that because my last memory of being pregnant was terribly painful while I was in labor and before I was in labor I was swollen. I've been saying that I didn't have feet. I had hoagies with toes. The other day I caught myself feeling my belly when something rumbled and I almost wished it was a tiny kick from within. Maybe women miss being pregnant because it's exciting. You spend every minute day dreaming what your baby will be like. Will she look like me or her daddy? Will she be mild mannered - of course she will be! At least that's what I thought. What will labor be like? There are all kinds of feel good chemicals zooming around when you're in great anticipation of a monumental day. I don't feel like this is post partum blues exactly. I've been too busy with a high(ish)-needs baby to think about being depressed. I still don't have every question answered about what Katie Rose will be like, but I know about the pregnancy, labor, and delivery part and I still look forward to doing it again. I had a c-section so my body needs time to heal, but there's a part of me that looks forward to the day it is considered healed when we can think about baby number 2.

To Pump or Not to Pump

I start back to work on January 15th and I'm a little concerned about needing to express milk during the work day. I was thinking that I would start weaning her to avoid the hassle at work. I'm not excited to go back to work full time and it might be less difficult if I don't have to worry about pumping. The bank is currently under construction and I'm not sure there's a peaceful place to do it. Also, I was told that if pumping took longer than 15 minutes (a 15 minute break the bank is NOT required to give me at all), I would have personal time deducted to account over any overages. Anyone who has done this before knows that it takes longer than 15 minutes to set up, let down, express, store, and clean up. I do not fear bending the rules, but one must know the rules to do that effectively. What I do fear is the anxiety it might cause me should there be issues. Anxiety and breastfeeding do not go together.

Out of curiosity while writing this post I just now researched the statutes put forth by state legislators for government employees.

http://www.ncsl.org/issuesresearch/health/breastfeedinglaws/tabid/14389/default.aspx , the National Conference of State Legislatures website. It appears the legislature agrees with me. That web page has the statues for each state if you're curious.

Here are the statutes for Montana:
Mont. Code Ann. § 39-2-215 et seq. specifies that employers must not discriminate against breastfeeding mothers and must encourage and accommodate breastfeeding. Requires employers to provide daily unpaid break time for a mother to express breast milk for her infant child. Employers are also required to make a reasonable effort to provide a private location, other than a toilet stall, in close proximity to the work place for this activity.

On a humorous note...
On New Year's Eve we invited some friends over to celebrate. Ben and Meredith, Keith, who was in The Foreigner, and his girlfriend Kelly, and Peter, also in The Foreigner, came over for food and games. I was telling them about my woes and how I was thinking it was time to wean her. My exact words were, "I need to wean her," but in southern speak it sounded like, "I needa weiner." Robbie immediately offered a solution. I now say, "I may start weaning her." Hmmm...Or not. We will see how this develops.