Bittersweet

My last post was a little sad and this one feels like it could be sad too. I go back to work on Friday and I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to feel that day. I'm eager to go back to work because I like being in the shuffle. I like the energy downtown and knowing what's going on in the financial and adult world. I'm also ready to start making money again. However, I am very sad to be leaving my baby. I know Meredith will be great with her at her daycare, but in a mother's mind, no one can care for her baby as well as she can. I feel like I've just gotten to know Katie Rose, to know her cries and daily routine. I know when she's hungry and when she just wants her pacifier. I know when she's just tired and cranky and I love that I know these things! Finally! And now it's time to leave her. Will I still know her even when I am not with her all day? Will she still know me?
Shelly titled this photo "Mischief Managed."

Now that going back to work is staring me in the face I find myself lingering in those special moments with her that I won't get to have 7 days a week. This morning she woke up at 5 for a bottle which she didn't end up wanting. Instead she was content to have her pacifier and clutch my hand tightly to her chest. My shoulder was sore for the awkward angle, but I didn't dare let go. She finally got anxious which I knew only meant one thing: a big stinky diaper. Our moment ended, but in this blog I hold it forever. Katie Rose smiles so much more now too. My heart wants to explode with joy when she flashes a big gummy smile across her face and in her eyes with a squeaky gulp of air.

I think the separation might be hard on her too. Following the "To Pump or Not to Pump" post, the answer is not to pump. I have been supplementing the breastfeeding with formula since she was 4 weeks old. I've gradually added more formula to her diet mainly because I enjoyed the convenience once or twice a day and I felt I was not producing enough milk. (I have one breast that is an underachiever). I was breastfeeding her once a day when she would have inconsolable fits, but that has to stop as well. She does not transition well between breast and bottle. Last week I breastfeed her and knowing she didn't get enough, I offered her a bottle. She adamantly and fiercely refused. Being hungry and not wanting the bottle resulted in an enormous battle no one could win. Both of us were in tears. It broke my heart that I could not give her the one thing she wanted. She mourned her loss. I mourned my loss as well.

The whole situation reminded me of our old dog Murphy when her 6 puppies were weaned. I remember Murphy running away from them as they chased her through the yard trying to latch on. We knew she was saying like my grandmother Nan used to say, "I'm sick of this shit." And the puppies would cry too. I did not quit breastfeeding because I was sick of it, but when we stick to formula, she is a happier baby and I am a happier mommy. That has health benefits too.

That's me circa 1992 wearing my favorite SMU t-shirt Ross got me. This was also long before I knew anything about hair straighteners.

She's not a baby that likes to be held all the time which is good although I've noticed in the last week that she's liking it more and more. She either decided that she likes being held or she's now aware of the cry/response mechanism. If the latter is true, which it inevitably will be, when do I set boundaries? And speaking of boundaries, the hand-holding time we spent this morning comes from her morning routine of sleeping in the bed with me from about 4 am until I get up. I am not setting that boundary yet. No way.